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12 October 2007 @ 06:34 pm
How To Save A Life  
Title : How to save a life [Part 1]
Author : ayedel 
Rating : NC-17
POV : Brendon
Pairing : Ryan/Brendon
Summary : The signs are blinding me with their neon lights, but I choose to close my eyes to darkness
Disclaimer : Don't own. I am not disillusioned enough to believe I do.
Dedication : The band 'The Fray' and to everyone who believed in me. Thank you.
Author's Note : I wrote this some time ago and left it to rot so here's an official post of it. Hope you like it. Betaed by Sarah.

I. There's a story in the night.

I watched out of the window as my eyes went to search for the sight of you returning home. But there wasn't any sight of you. You were still out there. Still missing. 

Still missing from the serene surroundings of our neighbourhood. Still out there, missing inside the not-so-idyllic buildings of Las Vegas. 

You were probably over at his place again. For one of your 'sleepovers'. I smiled. Somehow or other, that conjured the image of both of you comparing makeup and moaning about PMS and bad hair days. Both of you acted more like girls than the girls themselves are, and yet, you hold millions of girls' heart in your hands and you can just drop them all and break their hearts into a million shards. I grinned. But you were too fragile, too sweet and innocent to ever do that. You won't even harm a fly, what else a human being? 

I pretended everything is right, and maybe they were 

But I still can't help noticing, Ryan. Can't help realising that you were barely ever at home anymore, and every night, I went to sleep alone in our cold bed without you. And when you finally return and barely acknowledging my greeting to you while I eat breakfast in the morning, you would slump and walk as if someone just kicked you from behind and then crash into our bed before sleeping the afternoon over and out again at night. 

Something is wrong, but I pushed them all behind 

There was also something else that didn't seem right. You were always coming home in the wrong smell, wrong clothes and wrong hairstyle. You always smelled of him, always too tired to be there for sleepovers. But you were there to keep him safe, right? Is that why you don't sleep to protect him in the nights? But then, when we went out with him and his girlfriend last month, he was wearing the exact same shirt you brought during our last shopping trip together. And there was the same tear at the bottom left of the shirt. Maybe its coincidence when he got the same shirt with the same disfigurement from the same store? 

The signs are blinding me with their neon lights, but I choose to close my eyes to darkness 

There was a million things that screamed to me that things aren't as normal as it seems. But I choose to ignore it. Choose to be there for you instead of suspecting you. You love me, right? I wanted to be the one you turned to when things go wrong and messy. I thought I was the one but what do you do when you are in my position, watching him call Pete on the sidekick and tell him his problems when I am right next to him on bed? Is this normal? 

When did we go from lovers to people who barely share the bed? 

I trust you, Ryan. I believe in every single word you said. You told me that he was a great guy and you looked up to him. That he was your mentor and your saviour from the hell-hole you had with your father. He took you out of there and you owe him everything you have that you just have to keep him company when he asked you to. I didn't protest. You were right, he saved you out of your terrible life you had before stardom. I trust in your words, only yours that I screamed at Jon when he tells me that I had to be careful about you and Pete. That both of you were spending too much time together, too much intimacy to be anything but just friends. He is lying, he doesn't know you like I do, right? 

Maybe I trusted you way too much and you used it to your advantage 

But I had the one last straw when I caught you with him in our bed. In our fucking bed. With him thrusting and crashing hard into you, with his hips slapping against your skin and your lips moaning his name. In the same way you used to moan for me, calling my name when we reached our high together. With your tongue slurring the three words you promised that you meant only for me - but now in his face and to his name. You broke every reality I thought I was in, and you turned them all into a nightmare, a broken memory I wish that I am dead in. You made everything I ever believe in into nothing more than intangible lies and suffocate me even when I am breathing and my heart is pumping. 

I closed the window and pull down the curtains to block out the yellow lamp that was shining light into our living room. The perfect darkness that was surrounding me told me this is for the best. That we need to do this to save everything from crashing down on my heart. 

Current Music: Starlight - Muse
crab_apple_kidcrab_apple_kid on October 13th, 2007 03:25 am (UTC)
This is such a strong piece, you're always able to evoke so much emotion from your writing.
my paisley is wetmelish on October 24th, 2007 09:29 am (UTC)
That was amazing.
Your fics are so well thought through and just, they're all just plots and characters laced with all this intensity that so much emotion drains through me when I finish reading them.
Amazing. <3
xi_love_fob on October 24th, 2007 10:16 am (UTC)
WOW. just, wow.
libbymere_accessory on October 24th, 2007 12:36 pm (UTC)
Amazing, simply amazing.
The way that you so aptly convey the emotions of the characters in each of your stories to the point where the reader can empathise with every event is incredible.
This story is so powerful and potent.
Perfect in every way.

ily, Crystal.♥
muffichkamuffichka on October 24th, 2007 12:41 pm (UTC)
That captured so much anguish so beautifully, and I love the way he's so slow to accept it - it makes it somehow more heartbreaking to read. Brilliant.
siansian_y on October 24th, 2007 12:49 pm (UTC)
this is really really good.
so well written.
love sian xxx
santanawish_waster on October 24th, 2007 05:02 pm (UTC)
poor brendon. i love the style though, amazing.
brendons_butt on October 24th, 2007 07:09 pm (UTC)
ryan, you prick!
i hope this story has a happy ending:[[
but, ryan has got some serious damage control to do.
i don't like this, i love this.
i'm loving where the plot is going and really can't wait for the whole fic to develp.
oh and this line:
The signs are blinding me with their neon lights, but I choose to close my eyes to darkness
so beautiful; something about that image really got me.

Katohdarlingx on October 24th, 2007 10:58 pm (UTC)
YAY! I've said it before and will say it again -- I love ittt! x 418934038952


Awesome story.
starcrossed lover.ayedel on October 25th, 2007 07:10 am (UTC)
Ahaha *glomp* You know you're the reason this fic is alive xD
See, it finally dug out from being rotten and unknown, lol.
Amanda: Brendon Pianoffwarqueen on October 24th, 2007 11:03 pm (UTC)
Wow that was beautifully written, I liked it alot! <3
le_disko_queen on October 25th, 2007 04:19 am (UTC)
oh, messy.
i really like this. messy things catch my attention.
i'd love to see how this ends.
<3 the starting point.
omegaomega_gorawrx on October 26th, 2007 11:46 pm (UTC)
was NOT expecting that ending.
absolutely breathtaking& beautiful.
the word 'detrimental' springs to mind.

lovely, lovely piece.
thank you SO much for sharing.
hopelessly hopeful: {ry&hobo}nejem on October 27th, 2007 10:10 am (UTC)
this sort of made me sad, because it speaks about moving on and how hurt Brendon is and it's so damn strong and passionate... you're an awesome writer, I love your style, and this was made of beauty
pinkstarrypantspinkstarrypants on October 27th, 2007 04:36 pm (UTC)
Well you got me all choked up and eyes stinging. This peice is not only really well-written but also very close to home, if you get what I mean, I can definetley relate to this, unfortunatley. Really good thought. X
x_summersgone on November 1st, 2007 05:22 pm (UTC)
Oh my, this was really good.

*goes to read part 2*
Jadebookxbutterfly on May 21st, 2009 07:47 am (UTC)
Brendon. :((

Ryan, how could you?! :((